I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
