I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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