Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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