my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
