i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
this will be a night to untag.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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