The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize