happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
