Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
