Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
