Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
