problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
