i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
