she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
