Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
We left an ass print on the piano.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
