I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
