Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
