I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
