I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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