Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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