Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
