I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
