I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
