last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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