so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Pants are for mortals
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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