May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
