oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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