just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
