You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
