it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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