I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
