I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
