Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
