I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
