So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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