I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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