somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
