I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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