that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
