My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
