It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
