I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
