I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
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