the condom got lost in my hair
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
