I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
