dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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