Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
