i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
