Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
