respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Randomize
