Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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