just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
