Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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