You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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